No Federal Way Barbie?

Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a PRADA handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master’s degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription, and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, and baseball, and is often working late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW Convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, ‘78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many local pawn shops.

Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie’s trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at any Army Navy Surplus.

Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, steel-towed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica T-shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake finernails, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his episodes with his boss’s daughter. Comes with Barbie’s Dream Double-Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Lakewood Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and completely filled out PDF welfare/food stamp forms. Construction worker Ken and his ‘82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.